Over the weekend, I read a column by Sally Brampton in Psychologies Magazine, that gave some very simple and very valuable advice:
The fastest way to unhappiness is comparing ourselves to others.
From comparing our looks to those pages of celebrity magazines, to comparing the milestone achievements of our babies and toddlers,to comparing pay increases with colleagues, to comparing our marriages to other “happier” couples – Brampton’s article says “the tendency to compare is what psychologist Oliver James describes as ‘aspirational madness’ and he’s convinced it’s behind the alarming rise in mental illness amongst teenagers, particularly girls”.
According to research, peer envy is increasingly affecting every age group – but I agree with Brampton when she says “I don’t think of comparisons as envy – more as self-abuse. It’s what therapists call the negative self-destruct cycle of ‘should’ or ‘ought to’ thinking (‘I ought to have more willpower around food’, ‘I should have a successful relationship’, etc). Just like her. Just like them.”
If there is one family value that I think every family should have on their list of guiding principles, it is that finding daily opportunities to feel grateful is one of the surest ways to happy families. Keeping a gratitude journal creates a conscious, daily ritual for feeling grateful for what you have, what you are, your strengths and your achievements – and this can be as individuals or as a family.
Because when you think about it, how good does it feel to be ‘on top’ in a comparison anyway? Brampton uses the following example to illustrate, “I see a woman on television, who is 10 years younger than me but looks 10 years older and I think ‘Well at least I look better than her’. Does it make me feel happier? No. It makes me feel like a bitch,”
So this week, try to count your blessings and those of your family rather than those of others… see what difference it can make to your perspective this week, how happy you feel and how harmonious you are as a family.
